concretekiss: (Default)
[personal profile] concretekiss
He loves a girl who yawns like an iris.
He hears the curl of her smile
when she speaks.

I take him by the arm through the shop
describing colors as soft, rich, warm.
Not dark, bright. Not autumnal.

His useless eyes in the nest of his face, blue
as robin eggs, motherless, tilt heavenward

I lift blooms to the swarm of his fingers
watch him trace the symmetry of oblivious lilies

by feel until he finds her
lashes in aster, tip toes in hypericum
her mouth in begonias.

Date: 2009-12-30 03:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I loved reading it
and it made me soft in the heart.

BTW, if I may make a few suggestions..
I think there needs to be something ("not" or "but", depending what you mean) before bright
and also some contrast with autumnal (like spring not autumnal).
Also, I think it would read a little better as follows:

describing soft, rich, warm colors (or hues? maybe?)
Not dark but (?) bright. [something] not autumnal.

Edited Date: 2009-12-30 03:52 am (UTC)

Date: 2009-12-30 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i appreciate yr suggestions stef. thank you.
mebbe i should say "not dark, or bright"

my thing is, using the word "bright," to describe a color to a blind man is kind of confusing, as he may not understand "bright," but would better understand "soft" or "warm"

that's kind of a tricky stanza tho, that needs work.

Date: 2009-12-30 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
yes, only now I understand what you try to say

I think it may gain lots of strength when you hone it

In such cases, sometimes I try a dialog
if you can make a dialog to work it is always a winner

Date: 2009-12-30 04:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ahhh. Very nice. I thought it got down-right steamy in the last two stanzas. But maybe I'm just a pervert.

Date: 2009-12-30 06:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
no, i can see what you mean.

i already don't know about the whole thing!
i used to write poetry so much more often, but i feel like i've lost touch.

Date: 2009-12-30 07:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think that it's great. Put it in your book about the flower shop, which you are destined to write.

Date: 2009-12-30 04:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Your voice through this, when you say you feel like you've lost touch, just signifies it's like a great kind of has a long finish. It sticks with you. Love the imagery.

Date: 2009-12-30 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
it means alot to me, that you think so.
thank you.

Date: 2009-12-31 04:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm watching Kill Bill Vol. 2 and thinking of you.

aw, i miss that dollar cinema.

Date: 2009-12-31 04:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
heee. i remember we brought a flask in to that one.
i love the part where she snatched that woman's eye out!


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August 2010


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